On my sayings...My roommate: You just don't value you're life. You don't like the fact that you wake up every morning and breathe.
On remembering someone...Me: Do you remember that gay guy that came to visit me in the beginning of the year? First semester?
My roommate: Yeah, he's pregnant?
On identification...My roommate: I'd ask to borrow your ID, but I think they'd detect a difference.
On sexual intercourse...4My roommate: I want to have sex.
Me: yeah?
My roommate: And I want to sleep.
Me: Which one?
My roommate: Both.
Me: At the same time? Because I feel like that's defeating the purpose.
My roommate: Well, right now the only one available to me is sleep. So I guess I'll just go for that.
On her new hair...My roommate: You know that Indian kid that lives on our floor?
Me: (pulls up picture on facebook) This kid?
My roommate: No, does he live on his floor? I don't know.
Me: What's his name?
My roommate: I don't know. It's complicated. It doesn't matter he's Indian, he looks Indian. Anyways I was talking to him about my hair and I told him it was Indian, and I said "Here, want to touch your cousins hair?"
On her religious crush...My roommate: Like, even if he doesn't sleep with me can't he just lie in the same bed as me, he's not going to die.
On naming her children...Me: My vagina hurts.
My roommate: Would it be fucked up if I named my son or daughter vagina? COME HERE VAGINA, I HATE YOU VAGINA. Oh, vagina. SHE HAD A CHILD, AND HE SHALL BE NAMED VAGINA.
On gender differences...My roommate: I hate being a girl.
Me: Why?
My roommate: When you're a girl you have so many emotions that you just bitch about all the time. And you care so much about everything. But when you're a guy you only care about shit that actually matters.
On phone numbers...My roommate: The difference between me and Alex is that she actually talks to these people that give her their numbers, I just keep them for decoration.
On nutrition...2My roommate: And the crown for the healthiest eater goes to me!
Me: What'd you eat?
My roommate: Cocoa puffs and ramen noodles. It was fabulous! Now it's time to go back to bed.
On group therapy...My roommate: If you go to anger management.
My roommate's friend: I don't need anger management.
My roommate: That's what alcoholics say before they go to AA.
On stockings...My other roommate: DAMN I have a rip in my tights.
Me: Stockings ripped all up the side.
My other roommate: NO. These aren't my ripped tights. I have tights specifically ripped. Those are my ripped tights. I didn't want these ripped.
On sexual intercourse...3My roommate: My food is here!
Me: Button your pants before you go down there.
My roommate: No....I want it to look like I just got it in.
On living situations...My roommate: Live with me next year!
Me: I don't even know if I'm going to be---
My roommate: I feel like taking my nails and scratching your eyeballs out and making you swallow and choke on them so you don't say such bullshit.
On hopes and dreams...My roommate: I think I'm going to D.C next weekend, but not to see that guy.
Me: Why, what happened?
My roommate: I don't know I just...I got bored with all of his hopes and dreams.
Me: So, you don't like people having hopes and dreams?
My roommate: I do! Just, realistic ones.